Remembering Guilt
by kwidditchfan
Summary: Ginny tells the boys about Harry's life, and they remember times after the war. Thoughts of self-harm, but only mentioned. Slight drabble.
1. One  Shot

**This is my first fanfic, I hope you like it. I am thinking of doing more one-shots liked to this story, so look out for them. Reading with your imagination, I think, is the best way to read a story, so I hopeyou'll be able to do that with this :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own, and am not making any money out of JKRs fantastic Harry Potter series, which are the idea behind this story. **

_Harry felt completely wretched. He said goodbye to Ginny and the kids when she took them down to the park, and collapsed on the sofa. He reflected on the many deaths he felt he had caused; Fred, Remus, Sirius, and knew that it was only because Ginny wasn't around that he felt like this. He hoped Teddy would have a normal few years at Hogwarts, whereas nothing had been normal when he was around. It was all his fault...his classmates hadn't had a chance to lead regualar lives. He couldn't think of anything like this, could not remember the guilt he should feel when she was around. He loved her, but he felt that he should not forget the pain he had brought as the-boy-who-lived. He did not think of the good times, only the bad when he was alone, lost in thought._

_He remembered after the Battle of Hogwarts, when Shacklebolt had asked him to become an auror. He accepted, so long as it was made clear that he was only a volunteer. He did not want paying for clearing up his mess. He remembered trying to distance himself from his friends. He knew that it was going to be hard, but they were better away from him. Hadn't he proved that when almost killing half of them? Even with Voldemort gone he couldn't risk harming any of them... again._

_He had spent two years of newfound freedom restricting himself to work and his London flat. He had not told anyone where he now lived, and no owls could get to him, as they were all controlled by the ministry. Strange, he thought, how a murderer should get so much praise, even if it was accidental and indirect._

_Only for work and necessity did he enter the wizarding world. He sometimes went into the Hog's Head, but found that someone was watching him, for good or bad he did not know. He wasn't safe from attack; even now the war was over. Death Eaters who were still on the run would love to kill him, the same way he had killed their master. However, he had managed to avoid these incidents on the whole, if not completely by staying out of their way. However, there were still a few nights over those two years where he returned home shakily, having just experienced a weak cruciatus curse. He had told himself he deserved nothing less, and that he was lucky it wasn't something else._

_Then Ginny had come back into his life, and he broke down in tears, not completely sure why, but he still felt as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders, and everything that had gone wrong when he was a teenager was his fault._

'Harry, we're home,' shouted Ginny, the moment she and her three kids stepped through the door. No reply.

'Harry?' she asked, wondering whether he was actually in. She heard some sort of noise coming from the lounge, and went in to find him curled up on the sofa, crying like he hadn't since the end of the war. He didn't notice them, so she decided to put the children to bed before going to see what the matter was.

It didn't take long for Albus, James and Lily were all worn out and so she crept back down the stairs and sat next to Harry. 'What's wrong?' she asked, stoking his hair. He turned around to face her, his eyes were completely red and he looked a wreck. 'Is it about Teddy?'

He didn't respond to her, and so she went into the kitchen to make a drink, and mixed a sleeping draught into it.

'Here, take this. Don't worry, he'll be fine.'

'Like I was, when I went to Hogwarts?'

'Harry...'

'I think it's time you told the boys about what happened.'

'I will, Harry. I will.'

He took the drink from her. Realising it would make him fall asleep, he only drank about half, but Ginny knew it would help, all the same. She heard the boys calling, so she went upstairs again and found them both on Albus' bed, both looking fairly miserable.

'What's wrong with daddy? I didn't know grown-ups could cry,' said Albus, the younger of the two. Although he was only four, Ginny thought he could cope with the story she was about to tell them. After all, most children in the wizarding world would have heard this story as a regular bedtime request.

'He's very upset because he is remembering about when he was little,' Ginny answered. 'I'll tell you a bedtime story to help explain it, alright?'

'Yes!' said both boys, because they loved stories, especially the Tale of the Three Brothers.

'Alright,' Ginny smiled, although she didn't feel particularly confident in telling this story. 'Once upon a time there was a very evil wizard. His name was Voldemort. One Halloween he went to a house and tried to kill the mummy, daddy, and the baby, who was called Harry. However, for some reason he could not kill Harry, and everyone thought that Voldemort was dead, but Harry was sent to live with his uncle and aunt when he was one year old.

'Harry's aunt and uncle were not very nice to him, and he had to cook and clean for them by the time he was as old as you, until one day he got a letter. The letter was from a school, and the school's name was..'

'Hogwarts!' said James, who had been dreaming of this school since he was old enough to know what it was. 'It is Hogwarts, isn't it mum?'

'Yes, it was. Harry could finally escape his aunt and uncle and go to a school where he wanted to go. He was quite famous as well because wizards said that he had defeated Voldemort. When he got to school he made some very good friends called Ron and Hermione.

'At the end of the year Voldemort somehow came back, but he was only a ghost. He tried to steal a stone which would make him immortal, but Harry managed to stop him. However, Harry was almost killed by trying, and he was asleep for three days after he saved the stone.

'The next year wasn't much better. A monster was living in the school, and it took a girl down into a secret chamber. Harry managed to find the chamber and her, but again, he was almost killed because the monster was a ginormous snake, and it bit him with poisonous fangs. Voldemort was controlling the snake.'

At this point, Albus interrupted. 'Mum, I don't really understand what this has got to do with daddy. Did he know Harry?'

'Yes, darling, he knew Harry very well,' Ginny answered, trying not to look too sad.

'Ok, the third year. Harry went back to Hogwarts where he learnt there was someone trying to murder him. This person was one of Voldemort's followers, and was very dangerous. The Ministry of Magic made sure dementors were out on guard round the school. Do you both know what a dementor is?

'Yes, daddy told us about them. He said that they made you cold and remember horrible things.'

'That's right, James. The dementors affected Harry really badly because he could remember when his mummy and daddy died. One day, when they were playing in a quidditch match, the dementors came onto the pitch and made Harry fall off his broom. Everyone thought – thought that he was dead, because Dumbledore – the headmaster – magicked up a stretcher and made him go up to the hospital room.'

'Did you know Harry too, mummy?'

'Yes, and I loved him very much. And remember , he was only a little bit older than Teddy when he was at school.

'Later on in the year he found out that Sirius Black, the man who wanted to kill Harry, had been his dad's best friend at school, and that he was the one who had told Voldemort where they lived. Harry was extremely upset, because his friends meant more than anything to him.

'Another time that year he and his friends were found by Sirius Black. Only Sirius said that he didn't betray his friend, it was someone called Peter. He also said that Peter could turn into a rat, and that rat was in fact Ron's pet. Harry was pleased because Sirius said that he was Harry's godfather and Harry could go and live with him. However, the ministry still thought he was bad, and so he had to run away.

'In Harry's fourth year a tournament was held in Hogwarts. It was very dangerous and the people who were in it had to get round dragons and merpeople. You were only allowed to enter if you were over 17, but Harry, who was 14, was entered in by someone else. In the end task, well, no one really knows what happened, but he met Voldemort and Voldemort came back and had a new body.'

'I know what happened.' Ginny turned around and saw Harry at the door, looking slightly better, but not by much.

'Do you think you can?...'

'I need to.'

Ginny nodded. She had heard an abbreviated version of what had happened, and since then Harry had told her other things, but she wondered what he would tell the kids.

'The third task was to find a trophy in the middle of a maze. Harry found the cup at the same time as another person, Cedric. Harry told Cedric that they should – should take hold of the c-cup at the-the same time. He-he insis...'

Ginny took his hand. 'You know that's not true,' she said. 'They agreed to take it together.' Harry nodded his head, and continued, but still rather shakily.

'They both found themselves in a graveyard. W- They heard a voice. Then someone ki-killed C-cedric with the killing curse. It was Peter. Then Peter helped V-v...You-know-who to make a body. He was going to kill Harry too, but their wands connected in a weird way, and so Harry was able to escape. He told Dumbledore...tha-that You-know who...'

Harry found it too hard to continue. He stopped and leant on Ginny.

'I think it's time for bed, boys. I will tell you the rest tomorrow, but daddy's tired now, and so, I hope, are you.'

'Yes, mum.'

* * *

><p>James went into his room, and Ginny, still supporting Harry, led him to theirs.<p>

'Harry, what's wrong? Were you upset because Teddy's gone to Hogwarts?'

'No, well, not really. Ginny... just hearing you tell the boys about what happened to me made me realise that Hogwarts is not really a very safe place. I just couldn't bear it if anything happened to – to Teddy, a-and earlier I was just thinking.'

'I know.'

'Why...how can you love me, Ginny? I've caused so much damage, trouble, and no one ever thinks it's my fault. But it is! You know what happened, you should blame me. B-but you don't.' Again, he broke down. Ginny pulled him into an embrace, as if he was Albus, or Lily. She tried not to cry herself, but she was so sad, and so angry.

'Harry! I've told you before; don't let me hear you say that. It's all Voldemort's fault, you _can't _blame yourself. Oh, Harry, can't you see. We are never going to agree with you if you say this.'

'But, Ginny...'

'No! Harry. I love you, but I hate _him_, I really do. Making you go through all this pain, all this guilt. And look at you; you can't even say his name anymore. Harry, we all love you, but you can't blame yourself any longer. Just try, please.'

She went downstairs to recover the drink she had made for him earlier. She mixed up another one, and made sure that he drank it all. But although Harry would have a dreamless night tonight, she knew that she would not. She laid down and remembered.

* * *

><p>At the end of a long day, all she need was to be alone, and have a drink. She wished that he had been among them earlier on, but she forced herself not to think of him. She had not spoken to Harry in years now; he had been distancing himself from all of them. She didn't know why, but she tried not to remember what they had had before the war. That was all in the past, he would have said something to her by now if it were any different.<p>

Going into the Hog's Head, she looked for Aberforth, but could not see him. However, what she did notice was a small, curled up shape on the floor in the far corner. At a glance she recognised who it was, how could she forget the way his hair stuck up, even at this distance? She ran over to him. He was not asleep, as she had assumed at first, instead he was breathing heavily, as if he could not much longer. Without a thought she apparated to St. Mungo's, praying that in her haste she would not splinch either of them. The healers noted him, and proceeded to put him into a ward as quickly as possible. Ginny saw the looks of concentration and concern on their faces, and for the first time wondered if Harry was going to make it.

Although the healers tried to dissuade her, they said his situation was critical, she would not leave his side for a moment. She had no idea how he had managed to get in this state. Still taking ragged breaths, his eyes were shut, and his skin pale and cold to touch. She had not thought that she would ever have to worry for his life again, not since the war had ended, but here she was, looking at a much worse situation than she could have imagined.

Soon, a few aurors came. They had evidently not been warned that Harry was the reason of their being there, apart from Kingsley. Ron and Neville had both been asked to come, and they looked as bad as Ginny felt when they saw the limp body of their friend.

'How did this happen?' asked Ron, looking to the healer, and then to his sister. He sat down next to her, followed by Neville.

'We aren't sure,' said one of the healers. 'We think it may be cruciatus, but there seems to be something more serious that.'

Ginny gave a small sob, but Neville looked absolutely terrified. 'You don't mean...not like my...' He shook his head slowly, and the healer continued.

'No, Mr Longbottom, we do not thank the curse has made Mr Potter's condition permanent, although it is serious enough that he could take weeks, perhaps months to recover fully. We believe that Mr Potter may have been subsequently cursed with Av – the killing curse.'

No-one sitting in the room made a comment, but they all realised how close Harry had been, yet again, to death.

'Of course, none has survived a fully-intended killing curse, save out young friend here, but there have been several circumstances where the Avada Kedavra performed by a weak wizard, or a wizard without the full intent behind it, has not managed to kill. However, the curse can still be fatal, even if it isn't instantaneous, and there is no known cure for any unforgivable curse other than rest.'

Ron then produced a patronus, and sent it to his mother and Hermione with the message 'Harry in St Mungo's. Critical condition.'

Ginny didn't leave Harry's side for the next four days, in which he showed no sign of coming out of his comatose state. Most of the time she was joined by her mother; and at least one auror, a lot of the time Ron or Neville, was stationed outside to make sure that no-one came in who was not authorised. The ministry had made and agreement not to make the public aware of Harry's state, as they knew he would probably have too many fans trying to get into the little room in the hospital.

The auror department were also trying to track down people who had been into the pub on the 2nd of May, but were not having much luck, and just hoped that Harry would be able to tell them when he came round - if he ever did come round.

Ginny was the first one to notice when Harry opened his eyes. She called over the healer, and there was a lot of fuss over him. He managed to keep his eyes open for a few brief seconds, but they were dull, and had lost the bright green tinge, and he was soon in the same state which he had been in only minutes ago. This was the first time Ginny had cried since discovering him in the pub.

About a week later, Ron was giving up hope. He was talking to Harry, but had no idea if his words were reaching him or not. He felt useless; he was not even able to protect his best friend.

'Ginny, I swear I'm going to find the person who did this, and I promise you I'll kill them. I don't care, I _don't care_, they've practically murdered Harry. Mate, you've got to hear me, just wake up, and I'll kill the person who tried to kill you. All those times you were there for me. You've _got to_ wake up!'

Harry shook his head slightly, and then opened his eyes. The blue eyes met the green, and Ron said, in a softer voice, 'Harry, mate, Just tell me who's tries to kill you. I'd do anything for you, mate, anything.'

Harry just shook his head again. 'Priori Incantatem,' he croaked, barely managing to get his words out. Ron took the holly wand, and ushered another auror over. He then muttered the spell Harry had suggested.

* * *

><p>Ginny didn't want to remember anymore, but she couldn't help herself. She thought of Harry saying a couple of days later that he had been feeling extremely low, and had gone into the Hog's Head so that he could be alone. He had said that he remembered a voice saying the spell, and the next thing he remembered was being in absolute pain, even though the person had long gone.<p>

* * *

><p>'Harry, can you remember b-being tortured?' asked Hermione. 'Anything at all that might help them catch who did it?'<p>

Harry whispered so quietly that she could hardly hear him. 'It was worse than You-know-who's.'

Everyone in the room tensed. It was awful to see Harry, who had always said Voldemort without fear, was now reverting to the common way of saying it.

'Voldemort?' asked Hermione. Harry flinched. She looked across to Ron, and mouthed at him, 'Did he ever tell you that _Voldemort_ had cursed him?' She could not remember Harry ever telling them about being placed under a curse, which, she knew herself, was agony, more than agony. She could not imagine when Voldemort would have cursed Harry, unless...

'Harry, when did Voldemort curse you?' she asked, not wanting to hear the only answer she could think of.

'Graveyard,' was all he said, but that was enough. Her best friend had been cursed when he was fourteen years old, and had suffered in silence. They all waited for a few moments, not quite sure to say. But they all thought the same thing, that seeing their friend like this was worse than being placed under cruciatus.

'Alright, Harry, sorry, I have to ask you this. What happened after you realised the person had left the pub?' Ron interrupted, though Hermione could see that he, and Ginny were as disturbed by this news as she was.

''Felt...completely hopeless. I wasn't worth...anything. Took wand...tried to perform Avada Kedavra. Didn't work...hopeless wizard.'

Harry closed his eyes again, but they could see the difference from the coma he was in before. He looked like he was sleeping naturally, although he looked to be in as much pain as ever. None of them there wanted to believe he had tried to kill himself, though it was evident from the way the wand reacted when Priori Incantatem was used. They all wished that they could have been there for him more, that he would have confided his pain in them over the past two years, but they knew there was no going back now, and all they could do was hold onto Harry into the future.

* * *

><p>Ginny woke up. She hadn't realised he had gone to sleep, but she checked the clock, and it said it was morning. Seeing that Harry was still asleep, she went to the boys rooms, so that she could continue to tell them their dad's story.<p>

'Harry was now in his fifth year at Hogwarts, and no-one believed that Voldemort was back, apart from his friends. He sometimes saw Sirius, and Dumbledore had set up a secret organisation to fight Voldemort. Voldemort also kept sending him dreams that were real. In one of these dreams he saw Sirius being a captive of Voldemort. Harry and a few of his friends went to the Ministry, because that's where he saw Sirius being held. However, this was a trap, and soon they were fighting followers of Voldemort. Then the Order of the Phoenix, the secret organisation, turned up, and they were all fighting. But then Sirius was killed by one of the death eaters. Voldemort turned up and tried to kill Harry again, but Dumbledore saved him and they duelled. Then they went back to Hogwarts.

'In Harry's sixth year he started to learn how to defeat Voldemort. This would mean looking for some objects which Voldemort trusted his life to. At the end of the year he went with Dumbledore to find one of these things, and they managed it, but Dumbledore was killed when they got back to Hogwarts.

'Harry never went back to Hogwarts. Once he was seventeen he, Ron and Hermione went searching for the objects he had been left to find. They managed to find and destroy most of them. Then Harry came back to Hogwarts and a battle started. Harry went out to face Voldemort a-and the killing curse was used on him. But he survived again, and he finally managed to kill Voldemort once and for all.'

'I still don't understand. What has this got to do with daddy?' James asked, thinking the story was over. Although he had liked the it, he wanted to know why his dad was so upset.

'Hold your hippogriffs, I haven't finished yet. After the war, Harry was allowed to become an auror, even though he hadn't taken his final examinations. Two years later he met up with a girl called Ginny, and they really liked each other. A couple of years after that, they got married. Soon they had a child and they called him James Sirius Potter.' Ginny was starting to grin now, as James gave a start when his own name was mentioned. 'Then they had another boy who was called Albus Severus Potter. Two years ago Ginny gave birth to a girl who was called Lily Luna Potter. And _that_ is the end to the story.'

'So, it's true. Everything. Daddy was Harry, and was nearly killed loads by an evil person,' James said. 'And he killed the evil guy.'

'Yes, rest of our world think of him as a hero, and so do I, but daddy doesn't like being famous, and he sometimes gets upset when he remembers the past.'

'Ok. Can we meet his friends?' asked Albus.

'You have. Uncle Ron and Auntie Hermione are Ron and Hermione. And I-I was the girl he rescued in his second year. Look, why don't you boys come and have breakfast. I'll go and get Lily, and wake up daddy, and then we can all go out somewhere, yes?'

She left the boys and went up the stairs. Thinking about all she had told the boys, she realised that Harry really had had a horrible life. Not that she hadn't known it before, but...It just all seemed more real when looking at it from a detached perspective. It sounded like something straight out of a book, but she knew that that was something it definitely wasn't.


	2. Chapter 2

I am thinking of writing a new story to explain what some of what Harry was doing before he got crucioed, probably a similar length one-shot, and would like to know if people would be interested in reading it? I probably will write it anyway, but it would just be nice to know. Please look out for it; I expect it to be called _Dorothy_ (OC name, perhaps). And review this story, if you want...

Anyway, Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas to all


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